By Bill Browning
I recently watched a long TV ad — or a short infomercial — for a “thundervest.” It’s a thing you wrap around your dog to, I suppose, make your pet feel safe. They say it’s like a hug.
One woman says she was able to reduce Fido’s or Spot’s meds after snuggling him up in such a vest, and a man in the ad says his dog was able to get off its meds completely.
Now, I love animals. I do. Even cats. Actually, I can take or leave cats, but I do love dogs. And some cats. I don’t care for ferrets. … Okay. The ferret thing’s out there, now. You happy?
Anyway, I am fond of dogs, but I honestly do not understand the medication thing. I mean, I’ve had several dogs and not once did I ever think like: “Duchess has low self esteem. I wonder if she might benefit from a little something pharmaceutical?” I think if you have a depressed dog, or one with obsessive-compulsive disorder, medicine ain’t the answer.
I watched that commercial and thought about what my grandparents or my dad might say if one of us had said, “Ginger is bipolar,” or “Spike is schizophrenic,” or “All of Muffin’s barking and chasing cars is due to road rage.”
I know Dad wouldn’t have said, “Let’s see if the doctor will add Abilify to her antidepressant,” or, “Give that sweet animal a little Xanax.” What he would say is: “Tie that crazy sumbitch up in the back yard.” If Butterball felt a need to lick the light switch and make the sign of the cross before going out to pee, Dad would say: “Tie that crazy sumbitch up in the back yard.” For separation anxiety, menopause and Tourette syndrome, his answer would be the same: “Tie that crazy sumbitch up in the back yard.”
“Tie that crazy sumbitch up in the back yard” is not my answer, even if little Buster’s listening to Adele’s “Someone Like You” over and over.
Medication isn’t the answer either, though.
Why not, instead of buying something that’s like a hug, give your dog an actual hug? When he or she seems distressed or scared or overexcited, hug the animal close to you, hold it in your arms until it calms or feels safe or more secure.
I think maybe lots of hugging might help some kids and adult people drastically reduce or stop some of their medications, too. Maybe. Just sayin’.
My sister had a budgie. After years of living in a cage on top of the fridge, she (I’m assuming the stupid bird was a she) started twitching and scratching on a semi-regular basis, then slowly but surely every few minutes, like her survival depended on it. (Spending your whole life perched atop of a kitchen appliance will do that to you.)
One day, Dad (finally!) decides that today’s the day that the bird gets to do some travelling. How ’bout a one-way trip to the vet? So he grabs the cage and hops into the car. A couple of blocks down the road, Grandpa’s taking his afternoon walk. Where ya goin’, yada yada yada, Gramp’s on the passenger’s seat with the cage on his lap. (Had Dad still owned the minivan, the whole fucking family could have taken the ride to Lil’ Birdy’s Last Rites, FFS.)
Couple more blocks down, Gramps tells Dad to turn around and drive back home. Dad stops the car, takes a look at Gramps who holding the colorful (well, shades of powdered blue, anyways) carcass in his hands.
Old Man snapped the useless thing’s neck. This is how you do it. Forget the backyard option.
(I do agree about hugs being a viable alternative to Obamacare, though.)
Nice place(s) you kids are running. I’ll drop by every once in a while. Be good.
I loved that story Blou and you being here, fuck, just knowing you were, made my day, my week, MY YEAR!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure you say this to every sexy 43-year old dad/clown who stops by here for comments. Meanwhile, mine is “awaiting moderation”?
P.S.: this dad/clown sells chemicals for a living. That stunt you pulled with the Drano and shit? STOOPID. Vewy vewy stoopid.
Ha ha, Blou! SOOOOO happy to see you here!
Sorry it took so long … when my brother said he had internet access, I didn’t realize it meant I’d be sitting hunched in a corner with 5 inches of ethernet cord and the laptop balanced in my actual lap.
I agree a hunnert percent about the sexy clown/dad stuff and embarrassingly I don’t know how to moderate. Paula does that and she’s on vacation. She may see she needs to though. Please, please stay in touch Blou.